Love this!

No matter what, and for whatever the reason, this song (& video associated with it) always comforts me. It helped me relax during for my eye surgery (which was less than pleasant), and is a nice touch-stone when I'm in a lot of pain, like right now. Hopefully it will help me relax enough to sleep & end this miserable headache...

"Please Don't Go", by Barcelona
Kuroshio Sea -- 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world

Just How Are You Gonna Get Up?

It's not how you start. It's how you finish.
And it's not where you're from. It's where you're at.
Everybody gets knocked down.
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?
~Nike (song 'Ali in the Jungle' performed by The Hours)

Let the Games Begin!

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well." ~Pierre de Coubertin, Founder of the International Olympic Committee

Tonight showcases the Opening Ceremony of the 2010 XXI Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Over 80 nations are expected to compete, which would be the most ever for a Winter Olympics.

The first move toward winter Olympics began when figure skating appeared in the 1908 summer games in London. The 1914 outbreak of World War I curtailed plans for a "Skiing Olympia" that was intended to be announced at the 1916 Summer Olympics in Berlin. While figure skating and ice hockey were featured in the 1920 summer games in Antwerp, Belgium, the first International Olympic Committee (IOC) sanctioned Winter Games weren't until 1924 in Chamonix, France.

This year Ski Cross (aka "Skier X," or "Skier Cross") makes its Olympic Debut in the Free Skiing category as a full-medal sport! Skier X combines the thrill of freestyle skiing with the competitive rush of downhill racing. Four skiers are pitted against each other on a technically challenging course of rollers, jumps, and banked turns. It's an exciting, fast-paced test of skiers' skills over varied terrain with one goal: the first across the finish line wins.

Not only is it an immense honor to qualify and compete as an Olympic athlete, it's also notable to be chosen as the first ever participants in a newly sanctioned sport. And while I'm proud of any athlete and humbled by their prowess, I'm even more proud to know fourteen Olympic athletes in this year's games:

Ophelie David (FRA) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yf4qg4n)
Martin Fiala (GER) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/y8nhtrg)
Enak Gavaggio (FRA) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yd4whpt)
Karin Huttary (AUT) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yk6zp9a)
Magdalena Iljans (SWE) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yhcrn9x)
Tomas Kraus (CZE) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yfljdqq)
Xavier Kuhn (FRA) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yhjlxdz)
Jenny Owens (AUS) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yzxm745)
Casey Puckett (USA) - SKIER X (http://tinyurl.com/yarup2q)
Jasey-Jay Anderson (CAN) - SNOWBOARD (http://tinyurl.com/yanjjvz)
Lukas Greuner (AUT) - SNOWBOARD (http://tinyurl.com/yjd9kn4)
Claudia Riegler (AUT) - SNOWBOARD (http://tinyurl.com/yhyc9uj)
Manuela Riegler (AUT) - SNOWBOARD (http://tinyurl.com/yes2wgs)
Graham Watanabe (USA) - SNOWBOARD (http://tinyurl.com/yevxlyl)

Go you! May these games bring you every happiness & success!

Walk on the Wild Side
performed by Lou Reed
http://tinyurl.com/5zxfym
Walk on the Wild Side by Lou Reed

Onward & upward! ;-)

...let's celebrate...

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'press on' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race." ~Calvin Coolidge

Today I met a lovely woman named Janet who is recovering from surgery to her foot. We chatted briefly about surviving physical ailments, and how much more challenging it is than it appears on the surface. It was really nice to speak with her and realize that my own recovery progress, while not complete yet, may be a tiny source of inspiration to others.

It's easy to be tough on yourself, especially when you are used to performing at a certain level and something sets you back. Whether it's physical, mental, psychological, or emotional, a set back is still a set back. And giving yourself credit for hard work and accomplishments (no matter how minor they seem) is so important.

I remember the first time I drove my car after my eye surgery. Not a pretty sight -- pun intended. In fact, the first weekend I ventured out behind the wheel I had to have my beloved friend, Bob Birdsall, drive me home! Bobby was visiting Marin County from Chicago and even my walking was unsteady at that time. Too much visual disturbance made me stagger horribly! There was NO CHANCE I was able to drive myself home at night. It was scary enough to drive in daylight. I remember how bizarre it was to have vision in my new eye, and trying to 'read' all the overwhelming visuals from driving on the freeway. Yikes! Talk about un-nerving. And today I can zip up-and-down the 101 as much as I like (as long as there is daylight; my night vision is still suspect), which is progress indeed!

And to further keep things in perspective, one of the two American Medal Contenders in Skier X, Daron Rahlves (USA), dislocated his right hip after a nasty wreck over the weekend, and my friend Casey Puckett (USA), the other American Medal Contender in Skier X, reinjured his shoulder earlier in the week. And yet both are recovering at home and should be ready for the Vancouver Olympic Games. Go Team USA!

So, while I may occasionally get frustrated by constant headaches, crippling breakthru pain, changes in vision, etc., it's so important to give myself credit for the progress I have made. To that end, I'm going to give myself a mental hug & smile big knowing that my perseverance is paying off.

Let It Rain
performed by Living Things
http://tinyurl.com/ccmwdt
Let It Rain by Living Things


Onward & upward! ;-)

Finding Inspiration...

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." ~Lance Armstrong

Everyone has experienced failure on some level or another. Why does failure destroy some people, and yet others come back from it stronger than ever?

I've been fortunate to know some rather interesting people over the course of my life and career. Not one of them has escaped having to overcome some difficulty or another. And while some may appear more lucky than others, it's really hard work, persistence, and optimism that brings them their well deserved success.

Right now several friends and acquaintances of mine are competing to qualify for the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver. It's exciting to watch, and inspiring, too. One thing I've always taken away from watching them compete is that when they fall down, they just get back up & keep going.

Casey Puckett (USA), the 4-time Olympic skier with hopes to qualify for this year's Olympics in Ski Cross, recently underwent surgery to repair a separated shoulder after crashing in France. And while the press headlines are saying that his Olympic hopes might be in jeopardy, he's fighting a valiant fight & gaining about 10-15% rotation each day! GO CASEY!!!

And Martin Fiala (GER), has come out of retirement with hopes to qualify for this year's Olympics, too! While the press is pointing out that his competitors are young enough to be his children, The Moose is such a consummate veteran that he's definitely in the running! Oh, and he'll be 42 on Monday! GO MARTIN!!! And happy birthday, too!

Perhaps "failing better" boils down to having resiliency, and knowing that if you've fallen down before, you can get up again.

So how do we, mere mortals, find inspiration? I suppose we just need to open our eyes, see the world around us & find inspiration where ever we can!

Just Say Yes
performed by Snow Patrol
http://tinyurl.com/y8m67uw
Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol

Onward & upward!

;-)

Would you take my hand tonight?

I'm writing this blogpost from a local coffee shop, where I'm glad to be surrounded by people and activity while I'm struggling thru a killer headache. While my headaches aren't any better yet (in fact, their intensity & frequency has picked-up again), I am better at learning how to manage around them & still be productive. The more active I am, particularly the more visual stimuli I have, the more headaches I incur. I think my new eye gets tired, as I notice a decline in vision as the headache rages. However one bright spot is the fact that I know when one starts, I can work thru the pain knowing they only last 1-3 hours on average. And my vision returns in my new eye after the headache subsides. Funny what you can get excited about when intense pain is a daily part of your life...

I've found that eating something seems to help when a headache starts. It's an old trick I learned in college when I was dealing with the aftermath of the migranes I suffered as I was regaining my vision after the champagne accident. For whatever reason, if I put something in my stomach, it's as if some of the blood leaves my head as I'm digesting whatever, plus it provides a base for a couple of vicodin. Once the vicodin hit, I can still feel the pain, however I don't care as much. It's as if I know the pain is there, but as long as I don't make it worse by driving, or reading, or focusing visually too much, I can get by until it subsides. Fortunately my typing skills are pretty good, so I can actually write this blog without too much visual stimuli. Guess that's one reason why so many of my blog posts are me lamenting headaches! Granted, my computer screen is visible from outerspace because I have the font so large, but hey, what can you do, right!?!

The pain gets up to a 9-10 daily when these headaches hit, so don't get me wrong, they hurt like hell. I'm just glad that they don't last all day, and now that I know them, I also know I can endure them. Plus, after about an hour or two of intense pain, the headache starts to subside & I have a lovely vicodin-high that makes me smile! If only the unassuming people around me knew I was stoned on vicodin right now! LOL! Unfortunately this phase only lasts about 30 minutes, however it's a welcome relief as it means my misery will be over in about an hour. Thank god. Even though I'm putting on a brave face daily as I deal with these &^%$#@ headaches, I really hate them. So I keep reminding myself that I am making improvement, which I am. And having my mp3 player on helps, too, as silly as that sounds. Anything to keep seeing that silver lining...

It can be difficult to stay positive, I'm not going to lie. But knowing that these daily headaches only last 1-3 hours makes it much better! I remember (all too well) how awful it was to have them this bad 24/7, just a few weeks ago. Another good thing is that I'm learning to control my day & the daily headache is now typically hitting later in the afternoon/early evening, which actually is also a welcome relief! Being type-A, I always feel better having a sense of accomplishment about my day. And by conserving my energy and visual stimuli, I can put off the headaches until later in the day, which is wonderful! If I have to have them daily (and, by the way, if anyone can tell me how to not have headaches at all, I'd greatly appreciate it!), I'm much happier that they are hitting later in the day. It's amazing how the littlest things can make you happy! ;-)

I'm noticing that I am much more vulnerable (& in need of a hug) when the headaches hit. One thing that is helping is that I am in closer contact with some of my friends. Speaking frequently with my best friend, Cher, is the most amazing tonic. Even though I'm going thru a tough time, it's good to know I am loved and appreciated. My confidence has obviously taken a hit. Having friends to laugh with & take my focus off the pain helps. Thanks for 20+ years of the best friendship ever, Cher! And thanks to Gordon for understanding.

It's like the legs of a bar stool. While a barstool can stand with only one leg, it has better support with more legs. Having friends to chat with daily is definitely helping -- a lot. My friends, and neighbors, Susan and Jim Whipple, have been fantastic. We get together frequently for coffee, walks, movies, groceries, etc. And since Susan has endured migranes most of her life, they both get it. Being single, I'm always aware of not wanting to impose myself on my couple-d friends. Susie & Jim have been fantastic. Thanks you two! Your friendship means a lot.

So I'm pleased to announce that while I'm still struggling with these &^%$#@ daily headaches, I'm making steady progress with my life. Good things are coming my way, and I'm excited to see all my hardwork (and that of my friends, doctors, and business associates) pay off. Thanks so much to everyone in my life who is checking-in to say 'hi'. You have no idea how very much that means to me as I'm getting back on my feet. I'm eternally grateful, and becoming my optimistic self again.

Ride
performed by Cary Brothers
http://tinyurl.com/dxzt43
Ride by Cary Brothers (Album Version)

Onward & upward! ;-)

Fal de ral de ral do...

Now that I'm getting stronger each day, it's become apparent that I've been spending a lot of energy on healing physically to overcome the headaches and dizziness, and there is still work to be done to get all of my life in balance again. I'm rusty in a few facets of my life. Recovery is an interesting process. Lately my spirits have been blue, since I'm still not 100%. My confidence has been lacking, as I'm not entirely myself yet. So I've been reaching out to my closest friends, as well as forcing myself to get out everyday. In addition to reaching out, I've been going to various coffee houses in the afternoons to get work done, which has also allowed me to meet some new people. Since most of my friends are married with children, their availability is limited time-wise, which I understand. However it makes things a bit lonely. And since I'm still plagued by visual disturbances, headaches, and dizziness, it's been imperative to branch-out in order to keep my spirits up.

I've had to remind myself that as recently as four weeks ago I was crippled by headaches & practically bed-ridden. It's no wonder my spirits have been flagging. I realized last week when I was out with Johnny Boy that I was rusty socially. So while it's against my norm to force myself to get out, it's definitely working. Not only have I been making new friends, but I've also met a wonderful new friend, Scott, who has two darling little dogs who are presently snoozing at my feet! He's a cyclist, and has been wonderful enough to let me watch his dogs, Lola and Shibi, while he's out riding. Lola is a sweet little blonde mix with a cute underbite, and Shibi is a Shiba Inu who only has three legs, having lost one in a car accident. Talk about two cuties!

Yesterday my bestfriend, Cher, and her 3-year-old son, Alexander, came to visit from Napa Valley. Driving can still be a challenge for me visually, so I'm limited to local trips. They were wonderful enough to make the voyage down-valley to Sausalito. We spent the day cooking, which soothes both of our souls. And Alexander was delighted to play with the little dogs, Lola and Shibi. It was a perfect day. Thanks Cher. I love you both.

Since traveling isn't a great thing for me right now, I'm spending Christmas Eve with Susan and Jiminy Christmas, and Christmas day with Bradd. I'm grateful to have wonderful friends in my life, old and new, near and far. While I'm self-conscious about the headaches when they stop me in my tracks, it's comforting to have friends around who understand and laugh with me while I struggle thru it. Like Cher pointed out yesterday, my true friends will understand when they see me struggle, and while they will be concerned for me, they will understand. Thanks to all of you. You mean more to me than words can express.

Nice Weather For Ducks
performed by Lemon Jelly
http://tinyurl.com/yes4rf9

Nice Weather For Ducks by Lemon Jelly

Onward & upward!

;-)

Well hang on...

This week has challenged me. In a different way than most.

I had a birthday that I had no desire what-so-ever to 'celebrate'. The physical struggle after my eye surgery has been so great that I'm feeling depleted. And a big, fat, shining reminder that I'm aging wasn't what I needed. [Thanks millions to all my friends who wished me happy birthday. May we celebrate next year?]

My new laptop that I purchased two weeks ago (after mine blue-screened) bluescreened! So I dutifully took it back to Bestbuy for a replacement. I replaced it with the same make & model, and when I got that one home the wifi didn't work. So I dutifully took the second (2nd) computer back to Bestbuy for a replacement. I changed make & model this time, and when I got that one home the power switch was faulty. So I dutifully took the third (3rd) computer back to Bestbuy for a replacement. I changed make & model again and now I'm on my fourth (4th) computer! [At least this fourth works. And I've finally completed the music section on my website (http://www.little-bear-productions.com/outdoors.html), now that I have a working computer!]

I'm still dealing with some headaches and dizziness. While I'm a lot more mobile now than I have been since my eye surgery, I also have several physical limitations I didn't have before my surgery. And now that I'm regaining some strength, I'm frustrated that I'm not 100%. A) I have to rest my eyes frequently. That can make the difference between an 1-hour headache, or a 5-hour headache. B) Sometimes I just can't see much at all. And that's pretty scary. C) Sometimes I feel as if a bullet went thru my head. D) Sometimes I get so dizzy that I stagger like I'm drunk. E) My confidence is waning. [But I am seeing slight improvement, which helps. And I finally have a neurologist appointment scheduled for December 22nd.]

And as much as I'm tired of sounding like a broken record, I suspect my friends are tiring of hearing it. I'm very aware that everyone else has their own lives, and are struggling with their own issues. I only wish I had more strength to better lend them a hand, too. [So I thank you all for the friendship you offer, as it truly means a lot to me. Especially in the quiet moments.]

Up until now my spirits have been pretty good. This week has really challenged me.

So I think what I need to do is try my best to count my blessings, and look for more inspiration.

• This week I'm grateful that I got to trim the Christmas tree with Greg & Neil, and their adorable 3-year-old daughter, Elle. Thanks for the holiday cheer!
  
• I'm grateful to Hot Toddy for his love and humor across the miles.
  
• I'm grateful that I'm going to see Cher tomorrow for lunch.
  
• I'm grateful that I got to see Susie-Q, if only for a few minutes to giggle in the rain. Hopefully Christmas Jim will feel better soon.
  
• I'm grateful to Shoshana for her support & musings thru the miles.
  
• I'm grateful to Martin for his friendship & smiles, always. You see me so well.
  
• I'm grateful that I'm going to spend time with Bradd for Xmas.
  
• I'm grateful to Larry for his trust, and his ferocious appetite for brownies.
  
• I'm grateful to Johnny Boy for his friendship & watching the fireworks in the rain. It was nice to get out.

Thank you.

Everybody Hurts
performed by R.E.M.
http://tinyurl.com/n9yg7m
Everybody Hurts by R.E.M.

The ships are coming in...

This morning I stumbled across a young beautiful elephant seal snoozing on the beach! When I first saw her she was sleeping, and as you can imagine, we were both surprised when she woke up! She was about 5-6' long, grayish-brown in color with black whiskers, and pleasantly plump.

After calling the Marine Mammal Center in Marin County, they determined that she was healthy, and most likely just hanging out. Apparently several of them have been recently beaching to either rest or molt.

The Marine Mammal Center (http://www.tmmc.org) is a fantastic non-profit organization that rescues, rehabilitates and releases injured, sick and orphaned marine mammals (seals, sea lions, dolphins, porpoises, whales and sea otters) along a 600 mile stretch of California coastline, from Mendocino County through San Luis Obispo County. Before The Center was established in 1975, stranded marine mammals were either left to die or were destroyed as threats to public health. We're fortunate to have them located here in Sausalito in the Marin Headlands.

It's nice to have so much beauty in this world to capture our imaginations.

The Walls Are Coming Down
performed by Fanfarlo
http://tinyurl.com/m5qp5w
The Walls Are Coming Down by Fanfarlo


Onward & upward!

I will weather the storm!

Things are going well. My challenge is to figure out a good balance between being Type-A and listening to my body. The headaches still occur, however they fortunately aren't as frequent. I'm contending more with intense dizziness now, which isn't as bad as the pain.

All in all, while it's an adjustment & I'm not yet 100%, I'm happy with how much progress I'm finally 'seeing'.

As for my medical, I'm going back to UCSF on Thursday for visual field testing to figure out why the vision in my new eye is like looking through a peep hole.

For those who are new to my blog, I'm recovering from eye surgery to repair damage to my left eye. The cork of a faulty, over-pressurized champagne bottle struck my eye many years ago -- causing a lot of damage -- and my recovery has been challenging, to say the least.

Now I'm striving to make proverbial lemonade out of lemons, one step at a time! Simple distractions along the way help, such as something beautiful that takes my breath away, whether visual or audio. :-)


I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm
written by Irving Berlin
performed by Kay Starr (Stuhr remix)
http://tinyurl.com/yah3aor
I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm by Kay Starr (Stuhr remix)

Onward & upward!

just leave love alone...

Think I've been overdoing it. Well, actually, I know I've been overdoing it. This morning I woke up incredibly dizzy, which is never a good sign. There's a thin line between a little vertigo giving you a cheap buzz, and the full-blown crazy-vertigo that, by definition, makes you fight the urge to vomit. Nice, huh!?! I'm on the tea-cup ride, an elevator, and a magic carpet ride, all at once. While I've always been a huge fan of roller coasters, and have always been the one to hold my hands up on any ride, this is a bit much even for me.

So rather than letting it get the best of me, I called my best friend of nearly 20 years, Cheryl Knarr Rick, right after grinding some fresh coffee beans. There are reasons why she's my best friend. It's good to have someone you can turn to when you have tears in your eyes, especially before the coffee's been brewed! So now, with my huge cup of coffee in hand -- and a pep-talk under my belt -- I'm making the best of it. Thanks Cher.

The past three days have been a whirlwind of visiting with friends, driving, doctors appointments, lawyers appointments, and working on a new website. Oh, and Thanksgiving, too, which was lovely! I spent the holiday with Cher and her family in Sonoma. It was so nice to see everyone. I particularly enjoyed catching-up with Cher's mother, Dr. Catherine Knarr Turner, who also underwent a lot of trauma vis-a-vis her vision this year. Poor thing! It's nice to chat with someone who can relate. And last night I got together with my friends (and neighbors) Susan and Jim Whipple. We laughed so hard! OMG!!! It's no wonder I'm dizzy this morning; I really have been overdoing it. I'm type-A, what can I say!?!

So now I know I just need to take it easy today. Rather than a strenuous hike, perhaps a stroll instead (hence my choice of photo today). It's SO gorgeous here, that it always buoys my spirits to get outside. Back in July when it first became apparent that something was seriously wrong with my vision I picked up a little camera. Think I'll break it out & see what I can stumble across. And I also think I'll try to find some music that's a bit more cheery than this, too! :-)

Velvet
performed by The Big Pink
http://tinyurl.com/cufr82
Velvet by The Big Pink




Onward & upward!

loving you is cherry pie...

Today was the first day since before my eye surgery that I felt myself again! Which means I was up at 6am & was actually able to do my favorite hike in the Marin Headlands. The Headlands are 12,000 acres of pristine wilderness overlooking the Pacific Ocean, the Golden Gate Bridge, and San Francisco, depending on your vantage point. It feels unbelievably incredible to be active again, and I'm eternally grateful to my surgeon, Stephen D. McLeod, MD, for allowing me to see out of my left eye again!

Speaking of Dr. McLeod, I am seeing him tomorrow morning for another -- perhaps final -- check-up of my new eye. I still have some headaches, which are brutal when they breakthru, however I am heartened knowing that I'm getting stronger each day. And yes, I'm STILL waiting to get into the Headache Center at UCSF.

For those of you who have been asking, 22 years ago I was temporarily blinded in my left eye by a faulty, over-pressurized champagne bottle when the cork exploded directly into my eye from waist-high. I started regaining my vision within a couple weeks after the accident, however was told at that time that I would eventually go blind. The vision wasn't perfect after the accident, and continued to get worse over the years. In July of this year it became apparent that something was wrong as I couldn't see out of the eye & had incredible headaches. So five ophthalmologists and four surgeons later Dr. McLeod replaced the lens in my eye with and artificial one (not a transplant) the Tuesday after Labor Day Weekend. Unfortunately the champagne cork had caused a lot of damage to the inside of my eye. A lot of the zonules that normally hold the lens in place were either damaged or missing in my eye, so the surgery also created some damage and was less than pleasant. My recovery was hindered by inflammation of the eye and crippling headaches, and I'm still waiting to get into the UCSF Neurology Department to make sure there's nothing more sinister going on.

In the meantime I'm doing my very best to make lemonade out of lemons. And perhaps some limoncello, too!


Paparazzi
performed by Lady GaGa
http://tinyurl.com/yz7rx6y

Onward & upward! ;-)

World, what you got for me?

It's so beautiful here in the San Francisco Bay Area. I've been an avid hiker for years, however have obviously been sidelined recently due to my eye surgery & ensuing headaches.

For the first time in weeks I have no doctors appointments and a free afternoon! I'm going to drive out to the coast & attempt my favorite hike in the Marin Headlands. I figure if I go slow, I can give it the old college try! There's nowhere else on this planet that revives me the way this trail does...

Happy Up Here
performed by Röyksopp
http://tinyurl.com/boyvn2
Happy Up Here by Röyksopp


Onward & upward! ;-)

Love is, to me, the sweetest drug...

It's amazing how busy one can be scheduling various doctors appointments!

While the headaches are still constant, there are some slight lulls that allow me to get some work done scheduling appointments & visiting various doctors, too. Being type-a, it feels SO good to have a sense of accomplishment, no matter how small. The pain seems to be exacerbated by use of my eyes, so driving, computing, etc. need to be planned accordingly. Driving (particularly with sunlight or headlights glaring) is a challenge, so I prefer to keep my voyages short in distance.

Although the headaches still reach a painful crescendo daily, once they subside, I can function a bit more than in the height of last month's severe pain. I'm more determined than ever to stay positive & find solace in small things. Music, books on CD, and the company of friends still make a huge impression.

The other day I ran into my neighbors, Susan & Jim Whipple. It was so fun to see them and catch up. They treated me to a lovely evening, which was such a welcome repose.

Tomorrow I'm back to The City for more appointments.

The Sweetest Drug
performed by Madcon
http://tinyurl.com/yzc7jd6

Onward & upward! ;-)

I'm glad I finally found you here...

Today is the first day in months that I finally think I'm going to 'round the proverbial bend. Finally! I've been living my own horrible version of Ground Hog Day, with these crippling, debilitating headaches. It's hard to put into words how all-consuming pain can be... You know it's bad when all you can do is cry, because nothing can stop the pain.

So I'm basically off all the Vicodin. Now I only take one (1) at the end of the day when the pain is the greatest. Each day that goes by without the drugs, I seem to be feeling a bit stronger. Even though I wasn't on it for an extended amount of time, I ingested SO much. For goodness' sake, I took #60 500mg pills in about 1 week's time! It wouldn't surprise me if I was overdosed.

My beloved friend, David Dillon, was in The City the past couple of days for a medical conference, so we got together and had a ball. It was so nice to see him! We always have such a nice time together. Just what I needed. While he was in meetings, I took it easy & rested, or canoodled with friends, so it worked out nicely for both of us. He's playing doctor, too, and has put me on 'MOXXOR' (http://moxxor.com), which is an all-natural supplement consisting of omega-3s extracted from New Zealand greenlip mussels, plus antioxidants.

So far, so good. The combination of being off the narcotics, seeing DD, and starting the omega-3s is working. While I'm not free of headaches, they are about 2-3 on a scale of 1-10, instead of 9-10. Believe me, I'll take that. Now I just need to continue resting, building my strength, and wait to get in to see the neurologists at UCSF to make sure there's not something more serious going on in my little brain.


Dreamer
performed by Toni Childs
http://tinyurl.com/curuap

Onward & upward! ;-)

I need your grace...

http://tinyurl.com/2baxpt


Today was busy with doctors' appointments.

First in The City I met Daniel F. Goodman, MD, who is a graduate of the University of Michigan! Go Blue! He gave his blessing on my new eye (as a second opinion), which is exactly what I anticipated. Dr. Goodman commended my surgeon, Stephen D. McLeod, MD, for doing a great job on my eye. Like my other eye doctors, Dr. Goodman wants me to see a neurologist for the crippling headaches.

This afternoon I met with my physician, Robert J. Bartz, MD, to get the referral to the neurology department at UCSF started (he was out of town last week). I've decided that I want to eliminate the Vicodin from my daily routine. It no longer has any effect on my pain, and I'm too concerned about what #6-8 500mg of it is doing to my liver. So with Dr. Bartz's guidance I'm going to scale back to 2x/day for the next week, then 1x/day, then none. Dr. Bartz has also ordered bloodwork to test my liver, kidney's & thyroid levels just to be sure. I should have the neurologist appointment set soon.

Tonight I met my friend, Brenda Leis, over a glass of juice. It was really nice to see her and get caught up. Spending time with friends is always a welcome reprieve. Now I'm curled up listening to Daphne duMaurier's 'Rebecca' on CD (read by Alexandra O'Karma). It's nice to rest my eyes...

Chasing Cars
performed by Snow Patrol
http://tinyurl.com/2baxpt


Onward & upward! ;-)

everything once dear to me...

http://tinyurl.com/6octdz

Today has been a good day! I'm trying my best to take less Vicodin (6-8 a day, plus other medication is too much for my comfort). I've made it thru today until 4pm! That's a huge accomplishment, and now I'm seeing if only one vicodin will help, or if I still need 2 to curb the pain? Not that today was easy. The headaches, nausea, and dizziness are still there. I've just found that if I don't use my eyes too much for detail work, I'm able to get by longer without crippling pain.

I went to the public library & picked up an audio copy of 'Rose' by Martin Cruz Smith, which has fascinating character studies within an interesting historical mystery. I tried re-reading the book recently, however the eye strain doesn't let me read more than a page or two at a time. When I was at the Univeristy of Michigan I utilized books on tape a lot, so I decided to revisit them again. I've been missing reading so much these past three months, and it's nice to get work done while listening to something interesting. I was always the kid in gradeschool who was too restless to sit thru 'Story Time' without being able to color... an early multi-tasker I suppose. It's been great to keep my mind focused away from feeling disabled, etc.

An acquaintance of mine who had successful double corneal transplants has highly recommended me to see Daniel F. Goodman, MD. I have an appointment tomorrow to meet with him for a second opinion. I'm still waiting to get in to see the neurologist, so I'm glad to have some traction here. It's so true that you have to really manage your own medical treatment & recovery.

For anyone who is new to my blog, I was blinded in my left eye by the cork of a faulty champagne bottle several years ago. Recently I underwent lens replacement surgery to help correct diminished (and double) vision by removing a 'traumatic cateract'. My recovery has taken much longer than anticipated. I've only been able to wear a contact in my new eye for less than a week (I was legally blind in the eye the past 2 months), so I've been experiencing excruciating headaches the past two months. My surgeon wants me to see a neurologist, so I'm waiting to get in. He's concerned that my eye isn't the only thing causing the headaches. In the mean time, I'm doing my best to heal, stay positive, and feel human.

To that end friends, exercise, music, and audiobooks are a wonderful, healing distraction. :-)


The Clockwise Witness
performed by Devotchka
http://tinyurl.com/6octdz

Onward & upward!

I'm so human, it's okay for me to feel this way...

I am determined that although these headaches have got me down physically, I'm not going to let them keep me down emotionally. To that end, I'm doing everything within my power to stay positive & allow myself to heal & continue gaining strength against these crippling headaches.

Physically I'm focusing on eating the right combination of protein, slow-carbs, and fresh fruits & vegetables for what my body needs. I'm drinking lots of filtered water, taking vitamin & mineral supplements, and avoiding anything unhealthy like alcohol & sugar.

In addition to focusing on eating well, I'm trying my best to start exercising again. The headaches have been too crippling to get out much, however I swear my body & mind always feel much better after exercise. It's easier for me right now to walk with someone else; I tend to weave when I walk from dizziness (too much visual stimuli). My friend Sharyn Trevillyan stopped by the other evening and we went for a 1/2 mile walk in the hills of my neighborhood. The lights in the surrounding hillsides were lovely, as always. It was fun to see her and catch up, too.

Since I haven't exercised regularly in about 3-months, Epsom salt baths are fast becoming a mainstay in my life. My physician friends may know more about it than I do, however the claim that the magnesium sulfate reduces inflammation when absorbed by the skin feels incredible! I add essential oils like eucalyptus, lavender, and peppermint which makes for a nice way to rest my eyes for about 45 minutes.

Yesterday I spent the day with my best friend, Cheryl Knarr Rick, and her 3-year-old son, Alexander. We had a picnic lunch along the waterfront overlooking San Francisco & the Golden Gate Bridge, then went for a relaxing walk on a quiet street where Alexander rode his little Strider bicycle. It was the perfect day. Cher has always been the person in my life who is as companionable as solitude. I'm fortunate to have her has my bestfriend.

Since focusing too much with my eyes caused the headaches to get worse, I'm finding other alternatives to keep from getting bored (as my best friends know, I don't handle boredom well)! Music is helping greatly with that:

So Human
performed by Lady Sovereign
http://tinyurl.com/brclky
So Human by Lady Sovereign


(which is a quirky remake that I'm sure I might tire of, but am enjoying for the nostalgia)

Close to Me
performed by The Cure
http://tinyurl.com/n5eybx

no more cryin' here...

As of yesterday I have a new contact lens in my new eye! Unfortunatley the headaches are still incredible. I'm going to sleep with a headache, sometimes waking in the middle of the night with one, and am waking in the morning with one that builds steam as the morning progresses.

My surgeon, Stephen D. McLeod, MD, wants me to see a neurologist. As Dr. McLeod pointed out before my surgery, he wasn't sure that the traumatic cataract was causing the headaches. My contact lens doctor, Patick Casey, OD, also wants me to see a neurologist. Now that the traumatic cataract is gone, I shouldn't be having headaches, much less the intensity that they are. As Dr. Casey put it, it's never a good sign to wake with headaches.

So now I'm waiting for an appointment to see a neurologist at UCSF who specializes in headaches. Let's hope that these ^&*%$ headaches are caused from eye strain, not something more sinister.

Wash Away
performed by Joe Purdy

http://tinyurl.com/5gj5mt

easy come and easy go...

Today I'm grounded as my little car is in the shop for a minor adjustment. It's a good thing, actually, as I need the rest from being up most of the night (I finally fell asleep after 3am & woke at 7am). It feels great to take it easy & enjoy being introspective.

As my dear, dear friend, Daniel Todd Lucht observed the other day, music is a fantastic distraction to me now (more then my normal obsession with it) because reading is out of the question with my vision (and TV & the computer are also tiring visually).

To that end, here's what's rattling around in my little head today:

Beggin'
Performed by Madcon
http://tinyurl.com/9q2r62
Beggin' by Madcon


It's a remake of an old Frankie Valli song...

;-)

r xxx